Softcore Reviews

Holy handfuls of hooter, Batman! Glori-Anne Gilbert is back in action with a new — oh wait, no she’s not. In an apparent attempt to trademark “Busty” as a softcore series (in the same way that “Bikini” now signifies a movie by Fred Olen Ray), Secret Key has retitled and re-released 2005’s “Lust Connection” as “Busty Twins”. To paraphrase Shakespeare, would a rose like Glori-Anne by any other name still be as boobalicious?

Thinking back to when The Witches of Breastwick premiered on Cinemax in early 2006, it’s hard to imagine all the hoopla surrounding this movie today. It’s already in its second release on DVD (on a disc with its sequel and added commentaries), still occasionally in the late-night loop on HBO Zone/Cinemax, and it is the subject of a recently premiered documentary. Not a bad legacy for a throwaway softcore flick filmed in a weekend…

Wednesday night in Hollywood saw the unveiling of a new behind-the-scenes documentary about the making of a softcore movie. The glitterati and paparazzi were out in force, along with, er, a lot of single guys in flannel shirts and shorts. They were all there to see Popatopolis, an entertaining documentary directed by Clay Westervelt featuring the cast and crew of the Jim Wynorski (make that H.R. Blueberry) film The Witches of Breastwick. Yes, that one—the one you saw on late-night Skinemax a couple of years ago. Often.

Boobs. Big boobs. Round, succulent, big-as-your-head boobs. With the considerable cleavage spilling forth on the DVD box cover and the names “Glori-Ann Gilbert” and “Taylor Wane” above a title referring to hooters, we knew exactly where this one was going. Back to the mountain cabin in the wilds of California, back to the outdoor hot tub, and back to director Jim Wynorski’s oh-so-wonderful world of big-breasted babes, where a nipple lick and a muff dive are just polite ways of saying hello…

Cut from much the same cloth as another “H.R. Blueberry” (aka Jim Wynorski) flick, Lust Connection, Breastford Wives comes at you fast and furious, with little plot or filler to get in the way of the sex scenes. The boobs are all over the place within seconds of the opening credit roll, and the movie continues with sex scene after sex scene until the viewer is left numb and feeling like they just came off an amusement ride. As far as softcore movies go, Breastford makes no bones about what it is here to do: skip all the crap and get to the naked babes…