Vampire Strangler

(No Rating)

Reviewed by Fuggy

Lord knows, for a site supposedly devoted to softcore, we're all about the "extra mile" here at Softcore Reviews. So, in the interest of completeness, here's our review of Alternative/Seduction Cinema's most notorious release, Vampire Strangler, more commonly known as "the one where Misty Mundae gets it on for real." Let's be honest. We want to see Misty Mundae getting it on for real, too.

This is not exactly a new find. Versions of Vampire Strangler have been circulating at various times since it was first released in 2000.  What we have here is the "Millennium Edition," which claims to be complete, with deleted scenes, and features a fresh transfer from the original videotapes. The 2 discs include a lot of extras. There are trailers for Seduction's other hardcore offerings on Disc 1, so you can see snippets of Seduction Cinema regulars Darian Caine and Katie Jordon going extra-mile. On Disc 2 there is a compilation of some of Factory 2000/Seduction's more explicit shorts, including "The Vibrating Maid," "My Property," and "My Date With Misty." If you're really into Misty, then there's even a 3 DVD package available from Seduction Cinema.

Misty is very young here. Nineteen, to be exact. She hasn't developed her "Misty Mundae" look yet – she's almost unrecognizable with a pageboy haircut. The plot, if I dare call it that, involves a quiet and shy Misty pretending to be Hellfire's nubile cousin from Transylvania, visiting for a summer of incestual high-jinks.

I guess I should give credit to Hellfire's kinkiness, because it gave rise to this video and ultimately to one of the most remarkable careers in the history of softcore. But there's an amount of squick value involving this and every other Factory 2000 perversion. "Hey, Misty! I've got a great idea," I imagine Hellfire saying. "Why don't we shoot a video where I pretend to strangle you?" Cut to the next day.  "Hey Misty, I've got another idea! How 'bout I strangle you again?"  Um…. Misty's response to this period in her life is helpfully included in the companion booklet, where she describes the Factory 2000 output as "no budget, shot-on-video, dirt-ass, misogynistic fetish films that were shot in Bill Hellfire's flea-infested basement." Say no more.

Despite the inclusion of a sliver of plot, this is not a movie. What we have here is basically a sex tape. If they chose to market it that way, Seduction could claim "Famous B-movie Actress Misty Mundae Caught Having Sex on Tape!" to which most mainstream viewers would go, "Misty who?" But they would probably still be curious to see it. Admit it: how many of you out there actually heard of Kim Kardashian prior to her sex tape?

So how dare I try to rate Misty and Bill's lovemaking? I don't even know where to begin. On the one hand, we probably shouldn't be reviewing this at all, as it's neither softcore nor a movie; on the other, the sight of naked Misty in cowgirl position, grinding her alabaster torso onto you is a thing of beauty. And looking at it objectively, as BJs go, Misty's got pretty good technique, swallowing Hellfire's substantial li'l dude with a lot of eagerness, saliva, and two hands. However, I'm not entirely convinced I should be looking at this at all, objectively or not.

If you want to see Misty Mundae having sex, then have at it—my rating isn't going to make much difference. Just come back afterwards and watch her act, in actual softcore movies, such as Sin Sisters and Spiderbabe.

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