The Witches of Breastwick 1 & 2

Thinking back to when The Witches of Breastwick premiered on Cinemax in early 2006, it’s hard to imagine all the hoopla surrounding this movie today.  It’s already in its second release on DVD (on a disc with its sequel and added commentaries), still occasionally in the late-night loop on HBO Zone/Cinemax, and it is the subject of a recently premiered documentary.  Not a bad legacy for a throwaway softcore flick filmed in a weekend.

The documentary, Popatopolis, is awesome.  The director’s commentaries on this disc by Jim Wynorski (ably assisted by Glori-Anne Gilbert in the first one) are tons of fun to listen to.  The movies themselves?  Ehn.

I distinctly remember yawning my way through the first Cinemax showing.  Worse, the movie seemed so weak to me that I feared for the future of softcore itself.  I found myself watching one of the softcore icons of the 90s, Monique Parent, seemingly trapped in a hot tub with a non-actress and a porn star, both of whom seemed to have no problem staring straight into the camera!  What the heck is this?  At one point Monique seemed to be pummeled on both sides by gratuitously large boobs; I kinda felt that way myself, as plot, acting, and intelligence got pushed aside for the wanton display of some double Fs.

I think time has healed my wounds. Softcore still lives on—it always will.  And the movie isn’t all that bad. The plot involves David (Matt Dalpiaz) who’s being haunted in his dream by three sexy blonde witches (Glori-Anne Gilbert, Stormy Daniels, Julie K. Smith) who tie him up and threaten to stab him.  Consulting his psychiatrist, David takes his wife Tiffany (Monique Parent) into the countryside to find the locale in his dreams.  Their car mysteriously stalls in front of the house belonging to these three women, who cajol them to stay with them overnight.

What exactly their dastardly plan is for them is not quite clear, because the three witches take their turns seducing each of them in various ones and twos.  There’s that scene in the hot tub, a later all-girl threeway in a bathtub, and Matt Dalpiaz gets a shot at all three of the witches in various indoor and outdoor locales. Stormy Daniels fucks him up against a tree, Glori-Anne takes him out into a field and does a sexy dance for him, while Julie K. beds him in an actual bed.  A good spirit in the form of the luscious Taimie Hannum shows up in the middle of the night to warn David, and then has sex with him, in front of his sleeping wife.

It all boils down to a cheesy ending involving the witches, an ancient ghost (a cameo played by the not so ancient Julie Strain), and a raging fire that only seems necessary because it must’ve been freezing that night.

Glori-Anne Gilbert’s mischievous smile comes in handy in her role, while Stormy Daniels acquits herself well in what must’ve been an otherwise boring weekend for her.  It’s revealed in the commentary that Julie K. Smith and director Wynorski argued over whether her character should wear glasses or not.  Luckily, Julie won the argument; the glasses are hot.

The second movie, shot a few months later, recycles the entire plot, the house, and one of the actresses (Taimie, switching over to take Monique’s spot).  But you know what?  It’s hotter than the original.  And a lot of that heat comes from, of all people, Tylene Buck.  This was her first softcore film, and she put a lot of effort into it, and gave it her all. She’s got a long scene with Frankie Cullen that looks pretty impressive.

Later, when she’s in the tub with Taimie and Lexi Lamour, it’s Tylene that gives the most nudity, the best energy, and the naughtiest looks into the camera.  Not only that, but there’s a lot more Taimie in this one, and that’s always a good thing.  Also, look for Nikki Fritz’s cameo at the end—it’s her last on-screen appearance.

And about that looking into the camera thing.  Wynorski admits in the commentary that he asks the actresses to do it.  “I think it’s sexy to break the fourth wall every now and then.”  By his reasoning, it engages the viewer (who’s probably jerking it, let’s face it) more completely in the scene.  Sometimes it still looks awkward to me, but I appreciate what he’s trying to do with it.  I mean, would the Mona Lisa be nearly as popular if she was staring out over her shoulder at that swamp?

Yes, I just compared The Witches of Breastwick to the Mona Lisa.  I should resign my post.

The Witches of Breastwick

Rating:
Released: 2005 (2009, Secret Key Motion Pictures)
Starring: Julie K. Smith, Monique Parent, Glori-Anne Gilbert
Directed by: H.R. Blueberry

The Witches of Breastwick 2

Rating:
Released: 2006 (2009, Secret Key Motion Pictures)
Starring: Tylene Buck, Taimie Hannum, Nicole Sheridan
Directed by: H.R. Blueberry