My Vampire Lover

Rating:
Released: 2002 Seduction Cinema
Starring: Paige Richards, Syn DeVil
Directed by: George Freeway
IMDb

My Vampire Lover starts off promisingly with a hot opening scene. Paige Richards and Ruby LaRocca are giving each other lap dances, which leads of course to sex (girls get away with so much more when they get lap dances). Richards is really getting into the scene, giving LaRocca what looks to be a pretty realistic tonguing in all the right places (this scene qualifies for the Fuggy “mouth on pussy” hall of fame, or MoPHoF).

So why is Richards’ character Monique so sad when it’s all over? “Another night, another disappointment,” writes Monique in her diary. “I’m still searching for my soul mate, a woman to spend eternal life with,” she continues. “And of course, somebody to lick all night long.” Hear, hear, sister.

Problem is: she tends to kill off all her potential soul mates, including dear Ruby LaRocca, because she’s a vampire. Monique then heads to a new town, Hooterville, which promises new girls, new blood, and, by the sound of the name, possible casting in whatever Jim Wynorski movie must be shooting there at the time.

What follows is pretty rote: girls come to Monique’s front door, she seduces them (damn, she’s good), and then eats their neck. There’s gotta be a better way of finding a soul mate. Meanwhile, the bodies keep piling up, and the local detectives seem to have no clue what’s going on.

Misty Mundae’s role in this movie is a walk-on, as a school girl who drops by Monique’s place to do some fundraising for her “all-girls school.” Misty in a schoolgirl outfit can walk on to the set of any movie she wishes, as far as I’m concerned. Darian Caine as a plumber with requisite plumber’s crack also drops by. “Maybe you should take a look at my plumbing,” says Monique, thereby chomping down on Caine’s wind pipe. The third girl in the omnipresent Seduction trio, A.J. Khan, does not show up, playing the role of Sir Not Appearing In This Film.

By the end of it, our dimwitted detectives figure it all out. There’s even an explanation at the end of it all as to why Monique seems to kill all of her potential soul mates.

It’s pretty fun, and one of Seduction’s better all-girl romps, though after the heat of the first scene, the movie backs off a bit and doesn’t have anything particular groundbreaking to offer in terms of its steaminess. Still, they change things up more than the usual Seduction formula, and Paige Richards is gorgeous enough that she’s worth watching in every scene she’s in, which is pretty much every scene. Syn DeVil seems to be some sort of body builder with massive shoulders and biceps and huge implants to match; she’s got guns in front, and more guns on the sides. Between her, Misty Mundae’s ethereal slim whiteness, and Darian Caine’s tattooed torso, there’s a little someone for everyone.

My Vampire Lover is directed sloppily by George Freeway. I don’t know who George Freeway is, but I’m guessing that’s his “porn name.” You know, where you take your middle name and the street you grew up on? Hey, maybe he came from a family of drifters.