Lord of the G-strings

Rating:
Released: 2003 Seduction Cinema
Starring: Misty Mundae, Darian Caine, AJ Khan
Directed by: Terry M. West
IMDb

Correct me if I’m wrong, but the first Seduction Cinema movie to appear on Cinemax was Playmate of the Apes. I’m pretty sure of this, because it’s hard for me to forget the first time I saw Misty Mundae. That whiter-than-white skin, those unabashedly natural breasts, that long brown hair, those bluer-than-blue eyes…I was hooked the moment I laid eyes on her. She was so different from every other girl on screen, especially from the usual Hollywood-processed MRG-standard girl.

So when Lord of the G Strings showed up the next year on Cinemax, I was all over it like white on Misty Mundae. And then, before it was over, I had had enough of it.

On paper, this is a slam-dunk. Misty plays Dildo Saggins, a Throbbit, who is charged by Smirnoff the Wizard to carry the mystical G-string to the ends of Diddle Earth to destroy it. And so Dildo marches off through the New Jersey woods (someone’s back yard, it looks like from the behind the scenes footage) accompanied by her Throbbit peeps Spam and Horny (AJ Khan and Darian Caine). Along the way they meet such characters as Sour-ass and Sir Osis of Liver. Later they are joined by Araporn (Barbara Joyce) who helps them on their quest to have occasional lesbian feel-up sessions.

I think they cracked themselves up more than they crack me up. Now, if only they put as much effort into those feel-up sessions as they put into coming up with clever names, then we’d have something here. In terms of steaminess, well, there’s not much on offer. In some of the behind the scenes footage, the director Terry M. West instructs the girls to “appreciate all over each other.” Well, I’d appreciate it if they’d gone a bit further.

Having just seen Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet, I’m feeling kind of down on Seduction Cinema. Shouldn’t they be hotter? If a Hollywood film is phoned-in, you can blame it on the fact that, for better or worse, it’s mostly business. But these guys and girls at Seduction are supposedly fans. And as fans, don’t they want to put in a little extra effort to make their movies sexy? Maybe I’m just holding them to a higher standard because I know they can make better movies. I’ve seen Sin Sisters, for instance. That was a really fun movie.

And yet, it’s still cute. What I liked best about the movie was Misty’s character. A sort of pan-sexual slacker-elf who’s just looking for the next hot chick to make out with. She’s the type who starts every sentence with “Dude” and stuff like “Hey, gorgeous, wanna see why they call me Dildo?” She doesn’t seem overly concerned with the progress of her quest to destroy the G-string. When she sees her Throbbit ladiez making out with Araporn her response is, “Oh shit! Tear me off a piece of that!” Dildo could easily have been played by Jason Mewes, but thankfully she wasn’t, because Mewes’ tits are not nearly as nice as Misty’s.

The sex scenes, such as they were, run thusly:

Scene 1 – Misty Mundae and Timothy McBride. The movie throws you a left jab because the very first scene features Misty Mundae with a GUY. Wha? I feel like it’s been since Vampire Strangler since something like that, err, went down.

Scene 2 – Anoushka and Allanah Rhodes. Dressed as elves Hymen Torn and Benadryl, they feel each other up. Oh, like the Keebler elves don’t?

Scene 3 – Juliette Charles and Max Wade. Juliette as a tree nymph looks really gorgeous, though this is a very short scene.

Scene 4 – Misty Mundae and Ruby Larocca. Ruby is a bar maid who Misty seduces on a pool table. Anything these two are in is going to be hot, no matter what.

Scene 5 – Misty Mundae, AJ Khan, Darian Caine, Barbara Joyce. The three hobbits and their protector Araporn make out in front of a campfire.

Scene 6 – Barbara Joyce and Darian Caine. Due to the poor quality dubbing of the voice-over that leads into this, I’m thinking this scene was a bonus for the “unrated” DVD. They might as well have left it out.

Scene 7 – Seven women. Not nearly as exciting as it sounds. You’d think with seven naked women around they’d find something good to shoot.

Scene 8 – Misty Mundae, AJ Khan and Juliette Charles celebrate the end of their quest by feeling each other up. They’re standing up the whole time, so they can’t get into much trouble.

The music is quite catchy. The make-up (by AJ Khan) is very good. There are 2 full hours of extras on the DVD that make it worth looking into purchasing. There’s plenty of behind the scenes footage of Misty and all the rest. It’s just… there’s just a fatal lack of steaminess. The behind the scenes documentary suggests that director West simply did not ask for much more than group frottage sessions from his love scenes. Plus the fact that they were shooting in 50 degree, overcast, springtime New Jersey suggests that steaminess never had a chance to arise.

Hey, if you’re a Lord of the Rings fan, you might really like this movie. If you’re a Misty Mundae fan, then what’s not to like about it? And if you’re a 420 fan, how can you not help but like it? It seems like a little viewer involvement in that area would help turn this underachiever into a classic.