I Am Virgin

I Am Virgin is a slow-moving if well-meaning new indie boob-a-rama brought to us by the aptly-named Cheezy Flicks. Films like this are always great because it proves that if you want to make a softcore, all you need is a little cash, some local strippers, and a crew willing to believe in your movie. You don’t need Hollywood or even Alain Siritzkey.

A virus has wiped out the population, leaving only sexy vampire lesbian girls as well as Robby, our virgin hero. Robby tours the wastelands (abandoned cars, crumpled newspapers) searching for a perfect girl to share his life with. All he finds however is sexy vamps everywhere he goes. The vamps are in desperate need of man-meat, and even more, they can smell the virgin on him. “Come here and let me suck your cock!” yells one of them as she chases him. “Get away, you sick woman!” Robby yells back at her. Sheesh, way to turn down a freebie, dude.

Robby keeps running into these vamps, who conveniently perform for him prior to chasing him away. There are male vamps too, to even out the beef-and-cheesecake quotient. Eventually he runs into Ron Jeremy in a cameo as a porn-loving vampire, who tells him that it’s not having sex with vampires that’s the problem, it’s the guilt about having sex. This leads our virgin to realize you should NEVER turn down a freebie.

How sexy you find this movie depends on how much you like tattoos. It’s one of those movies where two girls having a lesbian coupling both have texts written on their bodies, and you find yourself trying to read the tats rather than getting into the sex. For what it’s worth, the sex scenes are not skimped upon; they last forever, and may not really advance at any fast rate to anything explicit, but they also don’t entirely suck either. They are of the standard late-night softcore variety with large-boobed girls tepidly bouncing and grinding on hard-bodied guys who just sit there and occasionally suck at a nipple.

The DVD includes a director’s commentary and a behind-the-scene featurette.  Fans of do-it-yourself F/X will get a kick out of the way they made Portland, Oregon look post-apocalyptic (the no-traffic scenes are pretty impressive for a limited budget like this).  The DVD also claims to have 12 minutes of extra footage “not seen in the theatrical version.”  Well, considering I and pretty much everyone in the world missed the theatrical version, techically, all 90 minutes of footage is new.