Gladiator Eroticus

by Brian

When it comes to mainstream film parody, the folks at Seduction Cinema know how to isolate and identify the crucial element that is missing from most Hollywood big screen productions: namely, lots and lots of lesbian sex.

The Seduction budget appears to have grown (probably due in part to the success of last year's Erotic Witch Project ), and director John Bacchus has assembled a motley collection of Roman soldiers, savage barbarians, and lustful, licking lesbians for their take on last year's big Academy Award winner. The story is similar to the original Gladiator, which starred some famous guy from New Zealand (who was not a lesbian, so who cares about him), but the characters and the sex in this epic are all purely from the twisted satirical minds of the Seduction team.

Emperor Gluteus Maximus (Jeff Faoro) has decided to will the reins of Rome to his superb warrior lesbian, General Eroticus (Darian Caine), who despite her dubbed-over voice and penchant for stopping in mid-battle to literally "lick" the enemy women, has managed to defeat the Germanic Barbarians and bring victory to Rome. The Emperor's  son and rightful heir, Dickus Minimus (John Fedele), discovers his father's plan and in a moment of pure Machiavellian rage, lifts his tunic to reveal his microscopically small, girth-challenged penis. The Emperor promptly laughs himself to death and Dickus, as the new leader of all Rome, orders that Eroticus be immediately killed.

Dickus's soldiers find the General relaxing in the woods, and after revealing themselves to be buxom blonde women, and yes, also lesbians (surprise!), they pounce on Eroticus for a carpet munching threesome. After this tryst the General discovers that her homeland, Lesbius (where one can "listen to the sweet sounds of Etheridge, laugh in jest at the brilliance of Degeneres, and on Tuesday nights head down to the local playhouse theater for the Xena episodes") has been closed down and turned into Roman Projects. Collapsing in despair, she ends up being abducted and caged by the Slave Master, Fellatio (Debbie Rochon). "Don't let the name fool you," she says to our imprisoned heroine,"I never touch the stuff." 

Eroticus is forced--though it doesn't take much effort--to fight in the Lesbian Games as a slave. She is trained by Orgasmus, played hilariously by veteran Seduction cast member, Jade Duboir. Overdubbing her voice with that of a man's was funny as hell; I damn near fell off my chair when she first opened her mouth and said, "I am Orgasmus...finger my glory hole" in a deep voice worthy of James Earl Jones.

Sensing that treachery has been afoot, Senators Tittus Lickus and Crackus (Michael Raso and John Link) conspire to undo the new Emperor, but not before getting him to hear their plans for a drive-thru Vomitorium. Now this scene almost made me hurl, but being a fan of gross-out comedy my stomach was strong enough to take it. My wife, however, turned three shades of green and had to be escorted from the room by emergency personnel. Frat boys, rejoice.

Of course, with the Lesbian Games comes lots of lesbian sex, and joining Eroticus and Orgasmus in clam-slamming action are Victoria Vega, A.J. Khan, Esmerelda Dellarocco, Misty Mundae, and Katie Jordan. The final scene of the film involves a seven girl orgy, which had the makings of a smoldering scene, but which the dizzying editing cooled off.

Compared to other Seduction outings, this film features less of the gratuitous explicit nudity and near-hardcore action that we've come to expect. There are moments of sensuality, lots of tongue kissing and nipple play, but despite the performer's enthusiasm and obvious enjoyment of each other the editing left the heat lacking in many of the scenes. But as a movie that combines slapstick, gross-out comedy, b-movie schlock, and abundant lesbian sex, it makes for a fun viewing.