Cheerleader Ninjas

Most of the titles we review on this site are straight-ahead sex pics, with lurid, sexually provocative titles and equally lurid and sexually provocative box covers to attract and arouse our curiosity. But when a movie called Cheerleader Ninjas floats across the desk, promising to be a genuine camp-fest filled with jiggling breasts, white panties, and that Holy Grail of Fetishists Everywhere – the Cheerleader – how can we not look forward to settling down into our nice ‘n comfy easychair and popping this one into the VCR?

It seems that some uptight fundamentalist Christians (shudder!) have taken it upon themselves to attack the corruptive and perversive powers of the Internet, and mistakenly believing that the Happy Valley Hamster Cheerleaders are responsible for the latest wave of net smut to hit the cyber airwaves, they enlist the services of the bitterly evil, Stephen (played hilariously over-the-top by Jeff Nicholson), a flaming Catholic School teacher who had been rejected by the Happy Valley Cheerleading squad and yearns for revenge. Somehow managing to almost make Liberace look butch, he quickly assembles his own squad of deadly goth Catholic Schoolgirl Bullies to take on the Cheerleaders. That’s right, this movie also features those objects of fetish lover’s affections!

The Cheerleaders enlist the aid of the Nerds, who are flatulent, internet obsessed, and bonafide masturbaholics. Proudly wearing their Star Trek uniforms and constantly pounding the keys on their laptops (while not pounding their puds), they help the girls to learn the Ninja skills needed to defeat the Evil Stephen and his minions of Catholic Schoolgirls. From here the story gets bigger and more complex, with Zombie Slave software, a mysterious Mr. X intent on world domination, and the ultimate bad movie finale: giant robots battling it out with dildos. You heard us right! There’s too much going on to give a full rundown, so we’ll skip to the sex and nudity bits. We figure that’s what you’ve really come for anyway, right?

Though there is really no sex to speak of in this movie, the hottest moments come during fantasy segments where Kira Reed comes to life as a blow-up doll, teasing her nerdly boy-toy into a mustard-spurting frenzy. Yes, it really is mustard we’re talking about here, although it is of the “metaphorical” variety…Also be sure to note the Hamster Cam, a slo-motion camera that manages to go where we’ve always wished our eyes would go while watching cheerleaders at work – that’s right, looking upwards from the ground as their white panties are revealed in all their gleaming cotton gloriousness.

With enough jiggles, wackiness, and gratuitous use of blow-up dolls to amuse even the lowest-browed, slackjawed primates (hey, we laughed!) you can bet that this one is gonna be a camp classic. We can’t really rate it as a sex pic, but for an independent low budget effort that borrows just enough cultural references to make it’s own stew of originality, they’ve done a great job.