Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet

by Fuggy

How many times do you give up on watching a softcore film in the middle of a sex scene because you realize that the sex is leading nowhere?  And how many times do you give up on watching a softcore film because you realize they’re showing the exact same shots over and over again?  Sometimes if I’m not paying attention, they can sneak the same shot past me 2-3 times.  But more about that later.

Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet falls under the first category:  sex scenes with a lack of heat.  The movie follows around a group of three bikini cave girls as they initiate another red-haired cave girl into their lesbian tribe.  Meanwhile, this action (in name only) is being observed from space (looks like someone’s kitchen) by two alien lesbians.  The red-haired cave girl stumbles on the tribe.  They initiate her by making out. Then, she gets too familiar with them and they respond by throwing her into a big mud bog that seems to suggest that during the era of the lesbian cave girl the earth has not yet cooled sufficiently.  The point of this punishment is lost on me as they all end up in rolling around in the mud anyway.

The cavegirls feel each other up.  Then they walk around.  Then they kiss a little bit.  That’s pretty much it.  The aliens are pretty cute, but their role is limited. There’s one relatively explicit shot of Ruby Larocca’s labia that seems to have snuck into the movie.  Other than that, the rest of the nudity on offer is basically R-rated at best.  As for the steaminess, well, it’s all just so phoned in.  There are few close-ups either.  It’s all mostly long shots of the girls standing around in the midst of the New Jersey woods.  If this sounds like a lot of Seduction Cinema releases, well then, shame on them.

Just think…there were some pretty decent movies being made at about the same time, like Veronica 2030 and Andromina: The Pleasure Planet. Or the now classic Femalien movies.  Sure, those movies had more of a budget (or rather, a budget).  But I wouldn’t mind so much if a little homemade movie like this tried harder, with a good script or more enthusiasm.  But none of that is on offer here.  Some of the sex here is like watching lesbian paint dry.  They can do better than this.

Weirdly, the hottest scene in the movie comes at the end during the credits.  It was apparently shot on a different day and in a different mud bog, because everybody has different hairstyles.  And it’s a much nicer mud bog than the one from earlier in the movie.

Basically, the best feature of this DVD is in the bonus area, where a movie called Bikini Goddesses is to be found.  This may well be one of the worst softcore films ever foisted on an unsuspecting DVD public.  To be honest, I had to fast forward through much of the plot of this movie.  And then I started fast forwarding through the sex scene too.

This particular movie suffers from the other problem I mentioned earlier.  I watched the sex scene the first time, and it was boring, and then I caught on the second time they showed the sex scene.  So then I knew to fast forward through showings 3-8 of the sex scene.  This movie was “directed” or better yet assembled from possibly five minutes of videotape by David Decoteau.  He also provides commentary for Bikini Girls, but I was afraid to listen to it for fear that he’d just say the same thing (“In this scene, Misty Mundae is pretty damn hot”) over and over again.

And yeah, Misty Mundae is pretty damn hot.  This review should probably be only 1 star, but it does get another star simply for the fact that I’m a huge Misty Mundae fan, and Zoe Moonshine and Ruby Larocca are awfully cute too as space lesbians.  They could all get together and read old copies of Vogue at the hair salon and I’d probably start my rating at 1 ½ stars.