2069 A Sex Odyssey

Imagine something that appears to be from another world landing in your hometown. How would you deal with it? In this case, I’m talking about Bavarian softcore from the 1970s. What are we supposed to do with it?

Here’s the plot. A flying saucer carrying five hotties from the planet Venus lands in a quaint Alpine town somewhere in Bavaria. The Venusian hotties have apparently run out of sperm and are in town to collect more. The townspeople hear a rumor that the French women’s ski team is in town, and when the Venusians show up in their silver metallic space suits, hilarity and confusion ensues. The girls hook up with the local guys, who teach them how to have sex. The Venusians have never run across this “natural” method of sperm collection, and needless to say they are enthralled by it.

Okay, it’s a cute movie. The English translation has a lot of silly puns. There are some wacky skiing and cycling stunts to watch. The space hotties are cute. The problem however is that it’s just not very sexy. I do like the premise, but there isn’t the follow-through. The sex and nude scenes are just secondary to the comedy. I remember this movie being in the regular rotation on Cinemax back in the day, and I used to like it back then, but it just doesn’t hold up for me.

My feeling is that all the silly softcore of the 70s (the English Confessions Of A … series, the Italian sex comedies like Is Sex Funny?, and all these wacky Bavarian movies) just don’t speak to us anymore. We’ve gotten past giggling at titties. Haven’t we? No? Oh well.

I hope we’ve at least gotten past laughing at sex scenes that are sped up. Did that whole unfunny business start with A Clockwork Orange in 1972? All I know is that the Germans love their comedies slightly sped up like a silent movie. I know this because I remember seeing Steve Martin’s L.A. Story in West Germany in 1990 and they did this to it (sure, The Jerk maybe, but not L.A. Story!?). In the case of 2069, there are some scenes where, as soon as the clothes come off, the scene gets run double-time as if this is the funniest thing in the world. It’s not! I like to linger over my T&A, thank you very much.

For someone who would like a lighthearted comedic fantasy along these lines, I would recommend the two similar films by Bill Osco, Flesh Gordon and Alice in Wonderland, especially if you can source the hardcore versions of each. I think they’re much better.

I also can’t give this movie a very high review because there are subtle edits in a few of the scenes. I don’t think there’s a hardcore edit of this movie; it means that there was probably some semi-explicit material removed in order to get an R rating from the MPAA. And as pumpdoc always says in the Softcore Reviews forum, Rated R means “return to shelf.”

Run, Virgin, Run is a similar movie from a few years previous which is included to fill out a DVD. There was slightly less snow on the ground when they shot it, and it’s less explicit than 2069. Other than that, it is useful in proving that the speeding up of sex scenes for comedic purposes does indeed predate A Clockwork Orange, as this movie was filmed in 1970. Those wacky Germans!